It continually amazes me to see just where the next inspiration for my general musings will come from. I started this blog spelling out my history, and bringing everyone up to the point of my current life. After all, right from the very beginning the blog was titled, "My Life", and I kind of had a vague inkling that naming my writings this way, would sort of dictate what the content would be about. With every piece that I have written since that first one, I have stuck with only the subjects that are real in my life. I have written about only those things which I have, or am currently, dealing with. But I have done so with the knowledge that eventually I may run this well dry, and I remain firm in the conviction that I will not write about any subjects that are not part of my personal experience with Ataxia. In fact, usually several days after my most recent posting I will think to myself that the recent blog was most likely my last. But I remind myself that from very early on a pattern emerged, and that if I will just slow down, be patient, and try not to force anything, that something will eventually present itself in my life that could be easily transformed into the next blog. Such was the case this morning.
I have heard before that one of the significant definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again when there cannot possibly be more than one result, but expecting a different outcome every time anyway. I discovered myself thinking about this definition yet again this morning as I slipped in the kitchen because I was wearing only socks on the linoleum floor. I guess that I am going to have to include probable insanity to my personal description of Ataxia when asked what it is that I have. Am I suggesting that people without Ataxia can run around in their stocking feet and never slip? No, what I am saying is that the slipping in itself is not the issue, it is the aftermath in which I try to regain my equilibrium where most of the problems present themselves. The reason for the probable insanity definition as applied to my life is because I have done the same thing multiple times this week and it always ends the same. I tell myself that I simply cannot continue to walk into the kitchen in only my socks, but that I need to remember to wear my slippers. By the way, just a little aside here, but have you ever wondered why they are called slippers? Shouldn't they be called non-skidders, zero-slips, or anti-skidding devices? I often wonder about that kind of thing. Anyway, the point that I am trying to make, (some may call this an act of insanity), is that a lot of things are changing for me physically and I can't keep approaching these every day situations in my life like I used to, five, ten, or even one year ago.
For example, is it so crazy to want to simply get out of bed at three a.m. to check the plumbing in the bathroom without the drama of shaky legs, and feeling like I am trying to stay on my feet in a ninety-mile an hour cross wind? Well, the answer for me is yes.....yes it is crazy. Because I kept trying it, hoping that the shaky legs would be calm, and that the wind was gone. But they weren't, and I had to adapt. So I just simply started to wet the bed. No, not really. Melissa suggested that I need to set up my walker and place it next to my side of the bed, so that I can easily reach it and use it at night.
My Ataxia has been about adaption. It has been, and will continue to be, about redefining myself in the face of that which seems to be constantly changing. It is about fighting to keep my abilities, and to stay as independent as possible. But it is also just as much about realizing that my stubbornness can also lead me astray. I have to remember the definition of insanity and let go of the things which are no longer possible for me, or to be creative and find new ways to approach old problems and everyday obstacles.
Am I crazy?
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