A Case Of Insufficient Efficiency.

here is a link to the audio version, in case you would rather listen to this blog: www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtqM3aE7OWo

A very accurate, and descriptive way, to explain my current standing with Ataxia, (no pun intended....unless you found that funny of course, in that case it was totally intentional), is to say that I have become double minded. The popular saying would suggest that this is a good thing, that two minds are better than one. In my case? No, not so much. The presence of more than one mind might actually work well if the two existing in my body were synchronized. The problem, of course, is that the two that I am dealing with just simply cannot seem to accomplish this. They both think that they are the one calling all the shots, and taking the lead. This situation never seems to have a happy ending, and a lot of innocents suffer, namely the rest of my body.

One of the minds that I am referring to is actually located in uh, well....in my mind. You know, the netherworld that is located between my ears. Experience will tell us that this is the main one, and as such, is the one making all the executive decisions for the rest of the body. What is decided, and what this mind says, is what goes and usually there is absolutely no argument from the other due-paying members who belong to the organization. Everybody knows that the one sitting at the top is in charge, and this is a system that has always worked out well. At least, it always seemed to for me, until another mind moved in and decided that it knew better. I am referring to the rebellious little mind that has established residency in my feet, and has as of late been trying to declare it's independence by refusing to work in tandem with the guy up top. Because of this, what usually happens is that when an order comes from above that indicates that everyone should proceed forward, everybody from the waist up will begin to immediately respond and begin the process of progression. But the feet will hesitate, feigning innocence, acting like they had never received the order. This causes a slight lurching effect and a loss of balance. The feet come off looking rather defiant, and lazy, which is causing dissension in the ranks. It also has begun to make the head guy appear unprofessional and completely out of control.

Not all the blame can be laid at the feet of the feet however. They did allow another mind to move in, which is causing quite a bit of confusion and unrest,  sure that's true. No one is disputing this point, but like most everything else, there is a second side to the story. It seems the feet were responding to a situation the only way they felt that they could. Apparently there is a smaller office behind the main mind's office that is a control room of sorts. The way it was explained to me is that the job of this little office is to translate orders from the main office, and then to send them out as mandates to the other departments. The problem that has developed is that the person in charge of the little office and insuring that it runs smoothly has become unstable and highly unreliable. He calls in sick half the time, and when he does show up....well, he's not all there if you know what I mean. The lights are on but nobody's home. And I can't fire him. Believe me, I've looked into it but he 's got some kind of iron-clad contract. I don't know, it all seems like internal politics to me. Besides,  even if I could figure out a way to show him the door, the organization in charge of the whole mess would probably want to fill the vacancy in house by promoting from within. As incompetent as this guy is, there is no one else currently employed by this agency who is remotely qualified for the position. I could easily wind up with a bigger mess than I've got right now, so I guess I will just have to suck it up, put a smile on my face, and be reconciled to a body that is riddled with unrest and double-minded inefficiency

Things might actually go smoother if I would just let the feet make the decision when to go forward. I will only move when they decide that it is a good idea. I'm thinking though that I shouldn't let the feet know that in this area, and only this area, they are in charge. I wouldn't want them to get a big head.

Now That 's Just Crazy!

here is a link to the audio version, in case you would rather listen to this blog:www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPvVgsmjdzY

It continually amazes me to see just where the next inspiration for my general musings will come from. I started this blog spelling out my history, and bringing everyone up to the point of my current life. After all, right from the very beginning the blog was titled, "My Life", and I kind of had a vague inkling that naming my writings this way, would sort of dictate what the content would be about. With every piece that I have written since that first one, I have stuck with only the subjects that are real in my life. I have written about only those things which I have, or am currently, dealing with. But I have done so with the knowledge that eventually I may run this well dry, and I remain firm in the conviction that I will not write about any subjects that are not part of my personal experience with Ataxia. In fact, usually several days after my most recent posting I will think to myself that the recent blog was most likely my last. But I remind myself that from very early on a pattern emerged, and that if I will just slow down, be patient, and try not to force anything, that something will eventually present itself in my life that could be easily transformed into the next blog. Such was the case this morning.

I have heard before that one of the significant definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again when there cannot possibly be more than one result, but expecting a different outcome every time anyway. I discovered myself thinking about this definition yet again this morning as I slipped in the kitchen because I was wearing only socks on the linoleum floor. I guess that I am going to have to include probable insanity to my personal description of Ataxia when asked what it is that I have. Am I suggesting that people without Ataxia can run around in their stocking feet and never slip? No, what I am saying is that the slipping in itself is not the issue, it is the aftermath in which I try to regain my equilibrium where most of the problems present themselves. The reason for the probable insanity definition as applied to my life is because I have done the same thing multiple times this week and it always ends the same. I tell myself that I simply cannot continue to walk into the kitchen in only my socks, but that I need to remember to wear my slippers. By the way, just a little aside here, but have you ever wondered why they are called slippers? Shouldn't they be called non-skidders, zero-slips, or anti-skidding devices? I often wonder about that kind of thing. Anyway, the point that I am trying to make, (some may call this an act of insanity), is that a lot of things are changing for me physically and I can't keep approaching these every day situations in my life like I used to, five, ten, or even one year ago.

For example, is it so crazy to want to simply get out of bed at three a.m. to check the plumbing in the bathroom without the drama of shaky legs, and feeling like I am trying to stay on my feet in a ninety-mile an hour cross wind? Well, the answer for me is yes.....yes it is crazy. Because I kept trying it, hoping that the shaky legs would be calm, and that the wind was gone. But they weren't, and I had to adapt. So I just simply started to wet the bed. No, not really. Melissa suggested that I need to set up my walker and place it next to my side of the bed, so that I can easily reach it and use it at night.

My Ataxia has been about adaption. It has been, and will continue to be, about redefining myself in the face of that which seems to be constantly changing. It is about fighting to keep my abilities, and to stay as independent as possible. But it is also just as much about realizing that my stubbornness can also lead me astray. I have to remember the definition of insanity and let go of the things which are no longer possible for me, or to be creative and find new ways to approach old problems and everyday obstacles.

Am I crazy?