It was just a little bit over a year ago when I decided to begin writing a blog about my life. I have to say that of all the things that I have tried over the years, writing about my daily walk with Ataxia,(along for the ride.....I just can't seem to give it the slip), has really helped me to change my view of the everyday events in my life. I am forever looking at daily happenings and common,(for me), occurrences and thinking that they could be potential blogs. A lot of writings were started, and a few of those ideas did not make it all the way to a finished product. For one reason or another, I would have a thought or concept spark in my mind, and some initial thoughts were put down, but they were never finished. Either it was because I got distracted, or moved on to something else. Several times it was because I would write something in the development of a particular thought, only to realize that if I kept what I had just written down, that it would completely change where I thought I would go with that blog. I would then start a whole new writing based on what I had just come up with, and I would never get back to the original thought. Anyway, I have dug some of them out, and considered developing them into something more. Instead, I decided to leave them as is and submit several of them to you in much the same way that you would clean out your refrigerator,(I am hoping that you do this more than once a year), and have leftover-night. I am crossing my fingers that I have reheated something that you will like.......
1. But, Then Again......
There are still days when it really doesn't seem that it was that long ago, twelve years, when I was blissfully unaware of what Ataxia was. But, then again, there are still days when I am blissfully unaware, period. There are also still days when I can't believe that I have been able to come as far as I have, but, then again, I can't believe that I eventually passed my driver's exam, or that I can shuffle into a dark bathroom in the middle of the night without doing serious injury to myself or without making so much noise that I wake all up the neighborhood dogs. It seems that in a blink of an eye time has taken a large step forward, and suddenly I find myself standing, (or falling) , in a place that I never saw coming or ever imagined that I would be in. But, then again, if I had, I would have been in possession of insider knowledge, and possibly would have placed, and won, some very large bets.
2. Bent Out Of Shape.
It always happens...it just ALWAYS seems to be the case! I am forever snagging, and/or snaring my pants pockets on cabinet door handles, which results in the knobs being completely bent into shapes that any artist who makes balloon animals would be proud of. I will be standing at the sink or counter and think of something I need to do. I will begin to move, but be snapped back into my original position because I have attached myself to the cabinet via the knob, and my now slightly ripped pants. Or the other thing that I do, thanks to my newly compromised Cerebellum, is totally misjudge the opening that the car door provides. This will usually result in getting my pants pockets hooked by the protruding latch in the door frame and ripping them when I fall into the driver's seat. I have torn several pairs of pants in exactly this manner, and I am still waiting to find any humor in it whatsoever.
3. Left Feeling Ripped Off.
Like with any other event, or traumatic experience that happens in life, my diagnosis and prognosis took awhile for me to process. There were several stages that I went through, and although a lot of the specifics of what I went through were kind of happening at the same time, I do remember some of my thoughts at that time. I remember thinking that it felt like I was being penalized for something that I really have no control over. As if I had chosen this. I was let go from my full-time job in May of 2012, not because I didn't want to work anymore. It wasn't because I wanted to sit at home, collect Social Security, and eat chocolate Bon-Bons all day. It was simply because my body was betraying me and I couldn't do what I had currently been doing. I also remember feeling embarrassed and somewhat awkward when I would meet someone for the first time. I just knew that the inevitable question of what I did for a living would come up. I never knew exactly what to say, and I certainly did NOT want to launch into an explanation about my condition to just anybody. However, it felt weird to me not to give some kind of explanation as to why I was no longer working. There were occasions when I wanted to say something like, "because of the horrendous nature of my past crimes my parole states that I can have only limited exposure to public and this is the first time that I have been allowed back into the public, and it is on an experimental basis. But I have never actually said this and I still occasionally feel awkward and struggle in these situations.
4. A Life Lived On The Edge.
Well, I'll say one thing about having Ataxia, life is never dull. It means constant vigilance, and always watching out for tripping hazards, such as the flat ground. Or potential choking items, such as the air I breathe. I feel like I am in a constant training session, just like the scene in the first Batman movie starring Christian Bale, where he is told by his instructor to, "Always mind your surroundings". This is actually pretty good advice, because my enemies are everywhere and are always ready to trip me at a moments notice. One of the problems that I face while walking is that I constantly drift. When I say drift I am not referring to the cool kind, like they do in cars in the movies, but a slow and methodical shuffle towards pending disaster. Usually, as my wife and I are out walking the dogs, she will have to remind me several times to stay away from the curb. When she and I walk side-by-side, I am constantly giving her the shoulder as I continue to slide sideways.
Well, those were just a few of the leftovers that I had in my writer's vault. If you would like to hear more via another reheating of leftovers let me know and I will revisit this format again in the future.
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