I.... am....amazed.... I truly am. I am now, and have always been, perpetually astounded by women. More specifically I am continually awed, and impressed by my wife's ability to multi-task. WHERE she gets it from I will never know but she can run productive circles around me. A good example of this would be the blog that I am currently writing. It really IS all that I can handle right now, and as I write my mind is focused on this one thing, and on this one thing only. I cannot be thinking about other things right now. But if Melissa was writing this blog? She would probably, more than likely, also be paying the bills, watching a favorite TV show, and washing the dogs, all at the same time. I am lucky if I can walk and form a cohesive thought simultaneously. Most of the time my idea of multi-tasking is to put a sock on each foot. Although, technically I guess, that couldn't really be defined as multi-tasking, since I usually do this one sock at a time. Come to think about it, it would seem that I have always been doing it this way, but sometimes the pressure of trying to decide which sock to pull on first is simply too much...IT FREAKS ME OUT!
But I digress, and over the years I have heard that women are just naturally better than men at handling multiple tasks concurrently. I don't know anything about that and I really don't want to stir up another war of the sexes because of something I might say in this blog. All I can tell you is that in my life and throughout personal experiences, Melissa is way better at handling multiple situations than am I.
I would love to be able to tell you that it is because of my neurological condition. I would love to blame the disease of Ataxia. But the truth is that I can't, because I have NEVER been good at trying to do more than one thing at a time. If I do, my usual G-rated demeanor is quickly transformed into a scenario that is R-rated because of excessive violence and language. I become very frustrated and enraged at myself. Which usually only serves to make things a whole lot worse because the harder I try, and the louder I become in my own slightly-altered version of positive self-talk, the bigger the mess becomes. No, I cannot in all honesty blame Ataxia as the root of the problem. However, I CAN say that my Ataxia amplifies the problem. My inability to do more than one thing at a time has been turned up to eleven, (if you saw the movie, This Is Spinal Tap, then you will understand that reference).
And so, you may be asking yourself right about now just exactly how I was able to make it through all my past employment, say, as a chef, without this skill? Well I am happy that you have chosen to ask such an astute question, and I would be more than happy to provide you with a very sensible, and insightful answer. And here it is..... I faked it, that's how. Now I know that you could argue that faking something while at the same time engaging in another activity is, in itself, a form of multi-tasking. First of all, I would like to thank you for your unwavering support, and albeit somewhat misguided, belief in me. And second of all....uh, well....actually that's it, there really is no second of all, I just thought that it saying that there was might add more legitimacy to the first, and only point. Kind of a cheap trick, I know, but I hope you don't mind.
Since I have already broached the subject of my past history of employment, namely the years that I spent in the kitchen, allow me to tell you a little bit about this. I learned to cook at a very young age when I started helping my mom in the kitchen. I always enjoyed being there, and it began to look as if I had a instinct, and a knack for it, so it seemed like a natural conclusion to head in the direction of making food a career. In 1986 I went to a Culinary Institute and then spent the next several years working in that profession. That is, until I came to the realization that I enjoyed cooking more as a hobby, making specialty and artistic meals for family and friends. Over the past few years that I have been dealing with the presence of Ataxia in my life, the delicate and fine art of cooking has begun to take on more of the appearance of a novice attempt at abstract art. The art form where someone is praised for haphazardly flinging paint onto a large canvas in some kind of seemingly weird chaotic statement. I think that really, the best way to describe my current process in the kitchen is to simply re-post a previous blog that I wrote on this subject.... And so here it is....
Care To Super-Size That Mess?
I've always, always made a rather large mess. Even before I was diagnosed with Spinocerebellar Ataxia, especially when it came to being in the kitchen. In 1986 I attended a Culinary Institute in Portland, Oregon and could spill, slop, and/or drop any food that I was preparing with the best of them. But post-diagnosis? Well, that puts me in a whole another class my friends, (think Edward Scissorhands meets the Swedish chef from the Muppets). To me, good tasting food has become synonymous with the need to do some serious clean-up. I have just accepted that things are going to get, um....interesting. Anyway, it seems like the harder I try to keep things tidy and the counters clean the worse it gets. So why fight it? I think I'll just go with it, and so......
I am seriously thinking of opening up a restaurant that I would name Che'SpaZtic's. The theme would be, "A place where friends are always welcome, and the food is always flying". Everything would be made and cooked in a big glass-encased room that would serve as the kitchen, and be in a central location that will be surrounded by the dining room so that everyone would have, and enjoy, a view of their food being lovingly hand tossed. This would serve a dual purpose. Watching food being prepared, and thrown around, by the cook staff would be an educational experience, but would also provide the night's entertainment. So, Che'SpaZtic's would, in every way possible, be like going to a dinner theater, and there would of course be a cover charge as such. All drinks would be personally shaken simply by default, not stirred, and the water glasses would be double the size of the normal water glass that you would receive at a regular sit down restaurant. That way, by the time the waitperson arrives at your table, and half the water has sloshed out while they walked, you will still receive a nice amount of ice water. There will not be a dress code, however since I will be there, the use of rubber clothing or bibs would be strongly encouraged and available for rent from a kiosk in the front foyer. And, of course, there would be a theme night. The most popular of which I predict would be food-fight night, although I can't figure out how to make that night any more distinguishable from the other nights at Che'SpaZtics.
The only question remaining that I have, is.....now that you know the hazards and potential perils of being around me.....would you spend an evening at that restaurant? Leave me a comment, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
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