No, Really....I Meant To Do That

here is a link to the audio version, in case you would rather listen to this blog:www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLtspvylujc

I can remember quite vividly that there was a time when I did exactly what I meant to do. I know what you may be thinking at this point, but really, I am not making this up. I would make a decision to execute a certain task and actually get it done, most of the time it would even be done correctly. Now, stay with me here, because I know this next statement may seem to be stretching it just a little bit, BUT there were even times when I even acted without the need for any pre-meditation, or forethought, I guess you could say on pure reflex, or instinct. A-not-so-distant time when I could walk straight without appearing as if I were trying out for a position on the latest dance-related reality show, or to be an extra in a earthquake disaster movie. A time when I could chew and swallow without the need to update my Life Insurance Policy beforehand, when I could descend stairs or step off a curb without the need to first anchor a repelling rope, prior to my descent down the four or five inch sheer cement wall. And, yes, even a time when I could mix myself a simple tuna spread for lunch without first having the need to rent a small cement mixer to contain the mess made from mixing a 4 ounce can of fish with mayonnaise. There were so many simple things that I did in my life that I never had to think about, or that I ever needed to stop and contemplate beforehand.

BUT, these are just a few of the struggles, or challenges, that are known by most of us who are currently living within the reality of Ataxia, or another form of physical handicap. Examples, or the memories from the past that can quickly spiral down into negativity, if we allow ourselves to dwell on them. However, if you know me or read my blogs, you know that I try not to go negative.....and I really really try to stay away from any "spiraling" these days, emotionally OR physically! In fact the word spiraling reminds me of tossing around a football, which in turn reminds me of younger days spent playing football. I would either play one-on-one with my big brother, (but really for me this game was closer in resemblance to a game that should be called Cream-ball) ,with neighborhood kids at the summer picnics,( again, also known as Cream-ball, as all the older and bigger kids from the neighborhood always seemed to whined up on the same team and all the younger and weaker kids would make up the opposing team), or I'd play a game with friends at sleepovers and birthday parties. Now days the only spiraling I do is on a team of one as I fall into my easy chair, (which, sadly, at times can also be called Cream-ball).

I don't know who this guy was....Melissa was trying to get a picture of the little Windmill and he just wandered right in!

Now that I have been struggling with my SCA for several years, it occurs to me that, what "I mean to do", is currently my new " Of course I meant to do that". That it is no longer about those things that I used to do without thinking, back before my body pulled a Benedict Arnold and betrayed me. I now try to think of everyday occurrences as being things which I really had meant to do to begin with. I meant to waddle like a duck and bang my shin into the furniture. I meant to poke myself in the eye when I shampooed my hair. I meant to do a human impression of a pinball when I walked through the crowded store, and I certainly MEANT to slur my words and appear as if I am under the influence.

So, okay, I am not being completely serious. I mean, come on, who enjoys being referred to as having the waddle of a duck? Alright, alright, I'll be serious. I know how frustrating it can be, how hurtful it is to be misunderstood. Let's face it friends, most of the time the general public does not know or even begin to have a understanding of what it is like to be betrayed by your own body in this way. I had never heard of Ataxia before my diagnosis. We really need to change this, and I am reminding myself here just as much as any of you when I say that we need to stop allowing the past to depress us and live in the new normal. Everyday brings some kind of new challenge into my life, and it can be a struggle for me to not wish for the past. When life wasn't the constant avoidance of a life-altering injury or huge pain in the..... But it is a choice that I make. I choose the positive instead of the negative. I am a much happier person because I made that choice, and invite you to join me.

Plus, you have to admit," I meant to do that", is a great way to approach every day struggles and frustrations. I find that if I set out right from the beginning, and mean to drop a lid 4 or 5 times before actually getting it to go back on a bottle, than I feel better knowing that I've successfully accomplished another goal that I've set fr myself in my daily routine! Go ahead...try it.....dive right in, my friends.